The Hospital Days.

The days that Sweet Baby L spent in the hospital were the most bittersweet days of our lives. We knew he was our SON. We were so happy to go visit him and cover him in kisses but at the same time we were so eager to bring him home. Every time we went to the hospital we went with the hopes that he would be coming home... and each time we were disappointed.

Baby L was in the hospital from the day he was born (obviously 05-25-2012) until Monday June 11th, 2012. Our little man was born a preemie, just a few weeks earlier than what is considered full-term so in order to be cautious the doctors at NorthShore Hospital decided that it was best for him to put on weight and regulate his temperature before he would be allowed to come home.

As you read on my previous post we met baby L on June 6, so those 5 days were totally stressful for us. Not only were we new parents but we were not able to fully enjoy our new bundle of joy because he was being kept at the NICU. I must clarify for when Baby L reads this in the future that there was absolutely no danger to his life. The doctors just wanted to make sure he put on the appropriate weight necessary to maintain his temperature above 98 degrees.

At first the doctors told us that we would be able to take our sweet angel home on friday june 8th and we were so excited and prepared everything for his arrival at home. Baby L drank his milk like a champion and even worked hard and staying warm enough by not breaking out of his swaddle (he hated being swaddled!). But unfortunately when friday came along, a nurse reported that L's temperature had dipped to under 98 so they decided he was not allowed to come home.

At that point we got really sad. We are both in the medical field and we know how Hospitals work. We know that they are staffed differently on the weekend and we knew that the doctors that were going to be there were not familiar with L's story. We lost hope that he could come home. To our surprise the weekend staff was phenomenal. We were so blessed. They decided they were not going to let little L out just yet... but they allowed us to SPEND THE NIGHT as a family!!! So, on Saturday June 9th, 2012 we checked in to the maternity floor and we got a room. They wheeled baby L into our room and we got to spend the night together. We fed him, bathed him, cuddled him. We sang as a family. We took pictures and videos. We could have stayed there forever. In fact, we would have moved in had they allowed us too!

During our overnight stay we heard a rumor that after caring for L an entire night they would let us go home. We had taken our baby CPR classes, we had taken care of our son all night. Once again we got our hopes up... and once again we were shot down. Let me explain how things went down. After spending the night they came in at 6 am and took baby L for routine nurse shift changes. At that point they asked us to leave to get some rest while they got caught up with paperwork and doctor rounds. We didn't want to leave but figured we could shower and get ready for coming home. At about 8 am we went back to the hospital to make sure we did not miss the DR rounds. We wanted answers as to when baby L was coming home. Sure enough we made it on time to speak with the doctor in charge. She stated that she had given orders for baby L to stay one more night because he had a significant drop in temperature over night. At this point we wanted to just grab baby L and run home with him.

But we didn't. Instead, we calmly explained to the doctor (who had not treated L before) what the situation was. We told her (even though it was part of his medical records, which she SHOULD have read!) that baby L was maintaining steady between 97.5 and 98.5. We told her that his treating doctor was happy with that. We told her that we had done the night trial as our last step before getting discharged. At that point she stated that she had no idea we had spent the night. She admitted the temp drop was environmental (the room we were in was COLD!). And then she told us... "sorry but I already wrote out the orders... he has to stay." And then I cried. And cried. And cried.

We stayed with baby L the rest of the day, only leaving to buy the necessary things like food. Monday morning I had absolutely no hope. I figured it would be another week of the "same stuff". S on the other hand was hopeful. He kept telling me that God had a plan. Little did we know that God's plan was to send that baby home. THAT MONDAY! On the day we least expected. On the day where we didn't push the doctors. On the day we had accepted our resignation that we had to go with God's plan... That's the day we got to bring home our son.

It's amazing how things happen. It's amazing how you have to trust God's timing. We kept wanting for things to happen our way... we kept trying to convince doctors that we were ready to become a family. We kept trying to manipulate the situation to achieve the results WE wanted... all while forgetting that these life-changing decisions are not in our humble human hands. The day we let go and let God was the day we got to bring our gorgeous son home.

Today, August 6, 2012, exactly two months after we met our son, I sit here as he naps, listening to his breathing and Thanking God for his health and the happiness this child has brought into our lives. He came to us at a tiny 4 pounds 4 ounces. We brought him home at a whopping 4 pounds 13 ounces, and here next to me lies a big 9 pound 3 ounce baby boy who has mastered the art of smiling and tummy time. A baby boy who brings a smile to our face multiple times a day every single day of our lives.

So that's the recount of our hospital stay. It's not witty. It's not funny. It's just filled with details because I never ever want to forget our hospital days. Those hospital days made us a family and for that I am thankful.

With Love,

L's proud momma.

And then there were THREE!!!

Hi Dear Friends,

I know I said I would keep in touch, and I plan to... however life just got a WHOLE LOT BETTER! In our last few posts we talked about our recent heartbreak. Today we talk about how our lives were recently changed forever!

As you all know sometime in May we lost our first baby adoption. We experienced an adoption miscarriage, which is basically a match gone wrong. That broke our hearts and shook our spirits. S always remained hopeful, but I was so hurt that I stopped going to baby stores and looking at my dream items online. I focused on my everyday life because I was SURE that we were not going to be matched for at least 18 months... I wanted a baby NOW... not 18 months from now. I knew that first baby was not for us, but I wanted my baby to join our family already!!!

Then... on Tuesday June 5th, 2012 I went to work as usual... I was in my tuesday meeting when my phone rang. It was the adoption agency. I figured they were calling to check up on us. Either way I could not answer because I could not leave my meeting. But then... THEY CALLED S!!! He didn't answer either. He never ever answers his phone. The agency people were persistent (THANK GOD!) and they called S's office. Sure enough... they had a match for us!!!

Meg, the social worker that spoke to S told him that she had good news for him. And oh, boy, did she have good news! Not only had a birth mother picked us but the BABY WAS BORN!!! No waiting period. No anxiety! Nothing!

(I'm not going to go into details about any of that because that is the baby's story not mine. If you are interested in adoption and really honestly want to know how it works send me an email and I'll be glad to share what we feel comfortable with.)

The baby was OURS!!! So of course we wanted to meet him. Our sweet boy was born on May 25, 2012. We met him and became a family on June 6, 2012 when he was just 12 days old. He had been patiently waiting for us for 12 days! He never lost hope, he knew we were coming!

That beautiful Wednesday morning of June 6, 2012 we met our Son. He was bundled and perfect. He was a tiny 4 lbs 4 ounces but FULL of love. He was healthy and strong. He had been fighting for 12 days waiting for his mommy and daddy to come pick him up and that day he greeted us with a smile. (It could have been gas, but it could have been a smile!). The moment we laid eyes on him we fell in love. There was absolutely NO GOING BACK. We were a family of THREE!

That night we went back to the hospital and hung out with the little man some more. He was in the hospital for a MINOR reason... but his stay was long(ish) so I will blog about that experience after.

Wednesday night we got to give our son a bath. We bonded and fed him and put him to sleep. We were so smitten. That night we couldn't sleep. The following day was going to be the most important day of our lives.

On thursday June 7, 2012 we signed all the legal paper work to become L's parents! It was THE BEST legal paperwork we've ever had to sign. We left the agency feeling so good and so ready. We were now responsible for a human being! Our SON. We have a SON.

We've been home for some time now. We've gotten to know each other and we all fit like pieces to a puzzle. He is the perfect addition to our family. He is mellow and sweet and smart. He even looks like S which is just the sweetest thing.

We have been busy getting everything L needs! We had no idea he was coming this fast so we've had to hustle... and let me tell you its been the fastest funnest shopping experience of our lives. We have the essentials but we have everything HE needs.

You guys I can't tell you enough how happy I am. I cry every time I look at his face, hands, feet. His tummy is like a magnet for kisses and I get happy when I see poop in his diaper. The highlight of my day is making sure I get all the boogies out of his nose so that he can breathe better at night.

All the things I thought I would care about... the fancy stroller, the cute clothes, the amazing pinterest inspired nursery are pushed to the side. I ONLY want my son to be happy and healthy... and he is... so I am complete.

I'll be back soon with his "hospital stay" recount.

Much Love and THANK YOU for the support!

A very HAPPY MOMMA!!!

Snap out of it...

Last night I posted about our most recent heartbreak. Unfortunately, this is not our first heartbreak and it will most likely not be our last.

Ever since S and I decided it was time to start our family that has been my main focus. I bought the ovulation kits, I took my temperature, I went as far as doing a few rounds of a horrible fertility medication. Those were a few tough years for us. We knew we were not going to get as far as IVF because we knew that adoption was going to be in our life, whether we conceived biologically or not.

For the past 4 years I have seen my efforts as "focus", "dedication", "motivation". I made it a point to complete the adoption paperwork in 3 weeks. We finished our profile within 24 hours of being interviewed by our agency. Today... I realize that while I was focused and dedicated and motivated to become a mommy... I was also consumed by it.

So today is a new day. No more browsing the baby isles. No more talking about what my parenting style will be like. No more imagining little fingers and little toes. I KNOW we will be parents soon. I KNOW our dreams will come true... But I am going to let those dreams come to me rather than continue to pursue them!

I will focus the next few months on living the wonderful life I have now. I will soak in every waking moment next to my amazing husband. I will focus on getting healthier. I will study for my licensure. I will pursue a new hobby and I will fill my life with the things I use to love before I was sucked into the world of baby gear.

Today I am snapping out of it. I am snapping out of it so that I can become a better me... So that I can consequently be a better human being, better spouse and ultimately a better parent.

Thanks for reading.

A more hopeful J.

Heartbreak...

Something happened today that broke our hearts.

We lost our match.

In the adoption world this is the equivalent to a miscarriage. I know that saying that can trigger hurtful memories for some readers, but that is what it feels like to us.

We lost the dream of being parents to this little boy. We lost the idea of bringing home a tiny human being. We lost our due date. We lost our baby.

The adoption support groups we are part of say that this baby was "not meant for us" and although I agree and believe that, I am still hurting inside. I never thought I could mourn the loss of someone I have never met.

I'd like to clarify that both baby and expectant mom are healthy and doing well. Our agency was the one that decided to back off for our well-being.

So now, we sit and wait, again. Our first "wait" was so short but it felt like a year. I hope this time goes by quickly. I pray that our baby finds us... Soon.

I cried so much today. I felt weak and I felt like someone ripped my heart out, that's how I know I am ready to be a mom, because today's loss was unbearable.

S was great. He always is. He was supportive and had all the right things to say. He knows God has a bigger plan for us, he can see it, I can't... Not today... But then again... My eyes are a little foggy from all that crying. ;)

I was so glad I opened up and shared about our match on the blog. I almost didn't post. I almost disappeared again, but it feels good to share. This is our journey towards completing our family and I want our future child, wherever he/she is, to know that we are so ready to meet him/her... And we will take as many bumps in the road as necessary in order to get to that day.

Thanks for reading.

A very sad,

J.

Pink or Blue?

Adoptions are like a pregnancy in that they involve buying a ton of really ADORABLE BABY STUFF! That's about it. Everything else between adoptions and pregnancy is SUPER DUPER DIFFERENT!

This journey has been the most difficult adventure we have ever embarked on but it has also been the most rewarding.

One thing we have found funny though has been the questions that people ask. Not a lot of people know we are adopting however those that do always ask the same things. I think I'll make a whole other post about that... this post I want to focus on my favorite question.

"Are you adopting a boy or a girl?"

I like this question because it is genuine and it doesn't insult us in any way. Most people really want to know. I believe social media has a lot to do with that question. Celebrities bring spotlight to adoptions and many of them choose the gender of the child. That is not how our adoption is.

When we first decided that adoption was the best way to form our family we never really sat down and chose a gender. Yes, I do admit, that we each had our preference... however that preference was not any different than if we would have decided to have a biological family. We are sure that up until the gender revealing ultrasound we would have each had our hopes set on a girl or a boy. (Due to the fact that we want our child to read this blog in the future and truly experience the journey with us I will not disclose what S and I hoped for...)

Before we were matched we had a ton of fun looking at baby items. The "wait" to be matched can be excruciating. Ours was less than a month from homestudy to match but it felt like YEARS. We had the opportunity to voice to our social worker what our desire was... and she told us "I wish you the best in getting the gender that you want, but in the end when that child finds you, it will not matter whether it is a she or a he." Oh boy was the amazing-most-wonderful-social-worker-of-all-time SO RIGHT. When we got our match and I answered that phone call the last thing on my mind was gender preference. When I called S to let him know, not once did he ask me what the gender of the baby was. That day we became parents... of a baby... our baby.

Yes... the match could fail... that truth is constantly in the back of my mind. I'm the worrier of the family. S on the other hand truly believes that this baby is ours. He KNOWS this baby is coming home. I applaud his strength and courage and I hold on to it. I feel like a mom. I feel that this child is mine... IF the match does not go through I will mourn the loss of this child because from the moment I got that call I became a mother.

So I bet you are dying to know whether our little tiny human will be wearing PINK....

Or BLUE...

Well, friends, that is a question I am not quite ready to answer just yet... I want to keep the excitement alive. Yes, we do know WHAT we are having... but I want to keep it a secret. I say that I want to keep it a secret because S is dying to SCREAM IT through the rooftops... So... if you really want to know... I'm sure it won't take much to get it out of him! ;)

Until next time...


A very EXCITED matched mommy to be.

J.

I'm baaaaaackkkk, with an update!!!

My last post was quite a while ago... on purpose. Sorta. You see, S and I are going through the most stressful and exciting year of our lives. I knew I wanted to blog about this journey but there were so many different variables that could make it all go wrong that I got scared and hid in a cave for many many months. Sorta. 

So a lot has happened since I started this little journal. Actually a lot of AMAZING things have happened in the past few months. In fact as of February, 2012, pretty great things. We will call this emotional year of our lives the year we signed up for boot camp. Adoption boot camp. 

So in case you have not figured it out yet... S and I are adopting a teeny tiny brand new baby. 

We call it boot camp because that is exactly how we took it. We decided we wanted to make the "approval" process the quickest most efficient thing we had ever done. We were done with all the paperwork, medical stuff, background checks and all the other necessary items in 3 weeks! 

Although some things happened in between there was something miraculous about the journey so far. Every single important step in this adoption journey happened on an important day for our family. Here's our little timeline: 

February 22, 2012 (S.'s birthday)  - We submitted our initial application 

March 5, 2012 (My dad's birthday)  - We had our 3 hour interview at the agency 

April 16, 2012- (My mom's birthday)  We had our Home Study with the greatest, bestest, most fabulous worker in the world (Dr. Terilee Wunderman). I wrote her name down so I would not forget... even though I never ever will forget that wonderful, kind and super knowledgeable woman!

May 9, 2012 - (the anniversary of my grandmother's death) We found out we have a MATCH!!! This one got to me because this is usually a sad day... somehow someway the big guy upstairs decided to bring some sweetness into this usually grey day. 

And here we are... 

WE HAVE A MATCH. Crazy right? 

We are fully aware that in the adoption world a match does not mean a successful parenting outcome but we have faith and we are entering into this match with our hearts open. If it all goes through according to God's plan we should have a bundle of joy in our arms in just a few short months. 

So now that I got all of that out, I can blog with my heart wide open. 

I know it's not going to be an easy journey but I do know that in the end it will be our happy.lovely.journey. 

J.