Last night I posted about our most recent heartbreak. Unfortunately, this is not our first heartbreak and it will most likely not be our last.
Ever since S and I decided it was time to start our family that has been my main focus. I bought the ovulation kits, I took my temperature, I went as far as doing a few rounds of a horrible fertility medication. Those were a few tough years for us. We knew we were not going to get as far as IVF because we knew that adoption was going to be in our life, whether we conceived biologically or not.
For the past 4 years I have seen my efforts as "focus", "dedication", "motivation". I made it a point to complete the adoption paperwork in 3 weeks. We finished our profile within 24 hours of being interviewed by our agency. Today... I realize that while I was focused and dedicated and motivated to become a mommy... I was also consumed by it.
So today is a new day. No more browsing the baby isles. No more talking about what my parenting style will be like. No more imagining little fingers and little toes. I KNOW we will be parents soon. I KNOW our dreams will come true... But I am going to let those dreams come to me rather than continue to pursue them!
I will focus the next few months on living the wonderful life I have now. I will soak in every waking moment next to my amazing husband. I will focus on getting healthier. I will study for my licensure. I will pursue a new hobby and I will fill my life with the things I use to love before I was sucked into the world of baby gear.
Today I am snapping out of it. I am snapping out of it so that I can become a better me... So that I can consequently be a better human being, better spouse and ultimately a better parent.
Thanks for reading.
A more hopeful J.