Snap out of it...

Last night I posted about our most recent heartbreak. Unfortunately, this is not our first heartbreak and it will most likely not be our last.

Ever since S and I decided it was time to start our family that has been my main focus. I bought the ovulation kits, I took my temperature, I went as far as doing a few rounds of a horrible fertility medication. Those were a few tough years for us. We knew we were not going to get as far as IVF because we knew that adoption was going to be in our life, whether we conceived biologically or not.

For the past 4 years I have seen my efforts as "focus", "dedication", "motivation". I made it a point to complete the adoption paperwork in 3 weeks. We finished our profile within 24 hours of being interviewed by our agency. Today... I realize that while I was focused and dedicated and motivated to become a mommy... I was also consumed by it.

So today is a new day. No more browsing the baby isles. No more talking about what my parenting style will be like. No more imagining little fingers and little toes. I KNOW we will be parents soon. I KNOW our dreams will come true... But I am going to let those dreams come to me rather than continue to pursue them!

I will focus the next few months on living the wonderful life I have now. I will soak in every waking moment next to my amazing husband. I will focus on getting healthier. I will study for my licensure. I will pursue a new hobby and I will fill my life with the things I use to love before I was sucked into the world of baby gear.

Today I am snapping out of it. I am snapping out of it so that I can become a better me... So that I can consequently be a better human being, better spouse and ultimately a better parent.

Thanks for reading.

A more hopeful J.

Heartbreak...

Something happened today that broke our hearts.

We lost our match.

In the adoption world this is the equivalent to a miscarriage. I know that saying that can trigger hurtful memories for some readers, but that is what it feels like to us.

We lost the dream of being parents to this little boy. We lost the idea of bringing home a tiny human being. We lost our due date. We lost our baby.

The adoption support groups we are part of say that this baby was "not meant for us" and although I agree and believe that, I am still hurting inside. I never thought I could mourn the loss of someone I have never met.

I'd like to clarify that both baby and expectant mom are healthy and doing well. Our agency was the one that decided to back off for our well-being.

So now, we sit and wait, again. Our first "wait" was so short but it felt like a year. I hope this time goes by quickly. I pray that our baby finds us... Soon.

I cried so much today. I felt weak and I felt like someone ripped my heart out, that's how I know I am ready to be a mom, because today's loss was unbearable.

S was great. He always is. He was supportive and had all the right things to say. He knows God has a bigger plan for us, he can see it, I can't... Not today... But then again... My eyes are a little foggy from all that crying. ;)

I was so glad I opened up and shared about our match on the blog. I almost didn't post. I almost disappeared again, but it feels good to share. This is our journey towards completing our family and I want our future child, wherever he/she is, to know that we are so ready to meet him/her... And we will take as many bumps in the road as necessary in order to get to that day.

Thanks for reading.

A very sad,

J.

Pink or Blue?

Adoptions are like a pregnancy in that they involve buying a ton of really ADORABLE BABY STUFF! That's about it. Everything else between adoptions and pregnancy is SUPER DUPER DIFFERENT!

This journey has been the most difficult adventure we have ever embarked on but it has also been the most rewarding.

One thing we have found funny though has been the questions that people ask. Not a lot of people know we are adopting however those that do always ask the same things. I think I'll make a whole other post about that... this post I want to focus on my favorite question.

"Are you adopting a boy or a girl?"

I like this question because it is genuine and it doesn't insult us in any way. Most people really want to know. I believe social media has a lot to do with that question. Celebrities bring spotlight to adoptions and many of them choose the gender of the child. That is not how our adoption is.

When we first decided that adoption was the best way to form our family we never really sat down and chose a gender. Yes, I do admit, that we each had our preference... however that preference was not any different than if we would have decided to have a biological family. We are sure that up until the gender revealing ultrasound we would have each had our hopes set on a girl or a boy. (Due to the fact that we want our child to read this blog in the future and truly experience the journey with us I will not disclose what S and I hoped for...)

Before we were matched we had a ton of fun looking at baby items. The "wait" to be matched can be excruciating. Ours was less than a month from homestudy to match but it felt like YEARS. We had the opportunity to voice to our social worker what our desire was... and she told us "I wish you the best in getting the gender that you want, but in the end when that child finds you, it will not matter whether it is a she or a he." Oh boy was the amazing-most-wonderful-social-worker-of-all-time SO RIGHT. When we got our match and I answered that phone call the last thing on my mind was gender preference. When I called S to let him know, not once did he ask me what the gender of the baby was. That day we became parents... of a baby... our baby.

Yes... the match could fail... that truth is constantly in the back of my mind. I'm the worrier of the family. S on the other hand truly believes that this baby is ours. He KNOWS this baby is coming home. I applaud his strength and courage and I hold on to it. I feel like a mom. I feel that this child is mine... IF the match does not go through I will mourn the loss of this child because from the moment I got that call I became a mother.

So I bet you are dying to know whether our little tiny human will be wearing PINK....

Or BLUE...

Well, friends, that is a question I am not quite ready to answer just yet... I want to keep the excitement alive. Yes, we do know WHAT we are having... but I want to keep it a secret. I say that I want to keep it a secret because S is dying to SCREAM IT through the rooftops... So... if you really want to know... I'm sure it won't take much to get it out of him! ;)

Until next time...


A very EXCITED matched mommy to be.

J.

I'm baaaaaackkkk, with an update!!!

My last post was quite a while ago... on purpose. Sorta. You see, S and I are going through the most stressful and exciting year of our lives. I knew I wanted to blog about this journey but there were so many different variables that could make it all go wrong that I got scared and hid in a cave for many many months. Sorta. 

So a lot has happened since I started this little journal. Actually a lot of AMAZING things have happened in the past few months. In fact as of February, 2012, pretty great things. We will call this emotional year of our lives the year we signed up for boot camp. Adoption boot camp. 

So in case you have not figured it out yet... S and I are adopting a teeny tiny brand new baby. 

We call it boot camp because that is exactly how we took it. We decided we wanted to make the "approval" process the quickest most efficient thing we had ever done. We were done with all the paperwork, medical stuff, background checks and all the other necessary items in 3 weeks! 

Although some things happened in between there was something miraculous about the journey so far. Every single important step in this adoption journey happened on an important day for our family. Here's our little timeline: 

February 22, 2012 (S.'s birthday)  - We submitted our initial application 

March 5, 2012 (My dad's birthday)  - We had our 3 hour interview at the agency 

April 16, 2012- (My mom's birthday)  We had our Home Study with the greatest, bestest, most fabulous worker in the world (Dr. Terilee Wunderman). I wrote her name down so I would not forget... even though I never ever will forget that wonderful, kind and super knowledgeable woman!

May 9, 2012 - (the anniversary of my grandmother's death) We found out we have a MATCH!!! This one got to me because this is usually a sad day... somehow someway the big guy upstairs decided to bring some sweetness into this usually grey day. 

And here we are... 

WE HAVE A MATCH. Crazy right? 

We are fully aware that in the adoption world a match does not mean a successful parenting outcome but we have faith and we are entering into this match with our hearts open. If it all goes through according to God's plan we should have a bundle of joy in our arms in just a few short months. 

So now that I got all of that out, I can blog with my heart wide open. 

I know it's not going to be an easy journey but I do know that in the end it will be our happy.lovely.journey. 

J.