Heartbreak...

Something happened today that broke our hearts.

We lost our match.

In the adoption world this is the equivalent to a miscarriage. I know that saying that can trigger hurtful memories for some readers, but that is what it feels like to us.

We lost the dream of being parents to this little boy. We lost the idea of bringing home a tiny human being. We lost our due date. We lost our baby.

The adoption support groups we are part of say that this baby was "not meant for us" and although I agree and believe that, I am still hurting inside. I never thought I could mourn the loss of someone I have never met.

I'd like to clarify that both baby and expectant mom are healthy and doing well. Our agency was the one that decided to back off for our well-being.

So now, we sit and wait, again. Our first "wait" was so short but it felt like a year. I hope this time goes by quickly. I pray that our baby finds us... Soon.

I cried so much today. I felt weak and I felt like someone ripped my heart out, that's how I know I am ready to be a mom, because today's loss was unbearable.

S was great. He always is. He was supportive and had all the right things to say. He knows God has a bigger plan for us, he can see it, I can't... Not today... But then again... My eyes are a little foggy from all that crying. ;)

I was so glad I opened up and shared about our match on the blog. I almost didn't post. I almost disappeared again, but it feels good to share. This is our journey towards completing our family and I want our future child, wherever he/she is, to know that we are so ready to meet him/her... And we will take as many bumps in the road as necessary in order to get to that day.

Thanks for reading.

A very sad,

J.