Snap out of it...

Last night I posted about our most recent heartbreak. Unfortunately, this is not our first heartbreak and it will most likely not be our last.

Ever since S and I decided it was time to start our family that has been my main focus. I bought the ovulation kits, I took my temperature, I went as far as doing a few rounds of a horrible fertility medication. Those were a few tough years for us. We knew we were not going to get as far as IVF because we knew that adoption was going to be in our life, whether we conceived biologically or not.

For the past 4 years I have seen my efforts as "focus", "dedication", "motivation". I made it a point to complete the adoption paperwork in 3 weeks. We finished our profile within 24 hours of being interviewed by our agency. Today... I realize that while I was focused and dedicated and motivated to become a mommy... I was also consumed by it.

So today is a new day. No more browsing the baby isles. No more talking about what my parenting style will be like. No more imagining little fingers and little toes. I KNOW we will be parents soon. I KNOW our dreams will come true... But I am going to let those dreams come to me rather than continue to pursue them!

I will focus the next few months on living the wonderful life I have now. I will soak in every waking moment next to my amazing husband. I will focus on getting healthier. I will study for my licensure. I will pursue a new hobby and I will fill my life with the things I use to love before I was sucked into the world of baby gear.

Today I am snapping out of it. I am snapping out of it so that I can become a better me... So that I can consequently be a better human being, better spouse and ultimately a better parent.

Thanks for reading.

A more hopeful J.

Heartbreak...

Something happened today that broke our hearts.

We lost our match.

In the adoption world this is the equivalent to a miscarriage. I know that saying that can trigger hurtful memories for some readers, but that is what it feels like to us.

We lost the dream of being parents to this little boy. We lost the idea of bringing home a tiny human being. We lost our due date. We lost our baby.

The adoption support groups we are part of say that this baby was "not meant for us" and although I agree and believe that, I am still hurting inside. I never thought I could mourn the loss of someone I have never met.

I'd like to clarify that both baby and expectant mom are healthy and doing well. Our agency was the one that decided to back off for our well-being.

So now, we sit and wait, again. Our first "wait" was so short but it felt like a year. I hope this time goes by quickly. I pray that our baby finds us... Soon.

I cried so much today. I felt weak and I felt like someone ripped my heart out, that's how I know I am ready to be a mom, because today's loss was unbearable.

S was great. He always is. He was supportive and had all the right things to say. He knows God has a bigger plan for us, he can see it, I can't... Not today... But then again... My eyes are a little foggy from all that crying. ;)

I was so glad I opened up and shared about our match on the blog. I almost didn't post. I almost disappeared again, but it feels good to share. This is our journey towards completing our family and I want our future child, wherever he/she is, to know that we are so ready to meet him/her... And we will take as many bumps in the road as necessary in order to get to that day.

Thanks for reading.

A very sad,

J.

Pink or Blue?

Adoptions are like a pregnancy in that they involve buying a ton of really ADORABLE BABY STUFF! That's about it. Everything else between adoptions and pregnancy is SUPER DUPER DIFFERENT!

This journey has been the most difficult adventure we have ever embarked on but it has also been the most rewarding.

One thing we have found funny though has been the questions that people ask. Not a lot of people know we are adopting however those that do always ask the same things. I think I'll make a whole other post about that... this post I want to focus on my favorite question.

"Are you adopting a boy or a girl?"

I like this question because it is genuine and it doesn't insult us in any way. Most people really want to know. I believe social media has a lot to do with that question. Celebrities bring spotlight to adoptions and many of them choose the gender of the child. That is not how our adoption is.

When we first decided that adoption was the best way to form our family we never really sat down and chose a gender. Yes, I do admit, that we each had our preference... however that preference was not any different than if we would have decided to have a biological family. We are sure that up until the gender revealing ultrasound we would have each had our hopes set on a girl or a boy. (Due to the fact that we want our child to read this blog in the future and truly experience the journey with us I will not disclose what S and I hoped for...)

Before we were matched we had a ton of fun looking at baby items. The "wait" to be matched can be excruciating. Ours was less than a month from homestudy to match but it felt like YEARS. We had the opportunity to voice to our social worker what our desire was... and she told us "I wish you the best in getting the gender that you want, but in the end when that child finds you, it will not matter whether it is a she or a he." Oh boy was the amazing-most-wonderful-social-worker-of-all-time SO RIGHT. When we got our match and I answered that phone call the last thing on my mind was gender preference. When I called S to let him know, not once did he ask me what the gender of the baby was. That day we became parents... of a baby... our baby.

Yes... the match could fail... that truth is constantly in the back of my mind. I'm the worrier of the family. S on the other hand truly believes that this baby is ours. He KNOWS this baby is coming home. I applaud his strength and courage and I hold on to it. I feel like a mom. I feel that this child is mine... IF the match does not go through I will mourn the loss of this child because from the moment I got that call I became a mother.

So I bet you are dying to know whether our little tiny human will be wearing PINK....

Or BLUE...

Well, friends, that is a question I am not quite ready to answer just yet... I want to keep the excitement alive. Yes, we do know WHAT we are having... but I want to keep it a secret. I say that I want to keep it a secret because S is dying to SCREAM IT through the rooftops... So... if you really want to know... I'm sure it won't take much to get it out of him! ;)

Until next time...


A very EXCITED matched mommy to be.

J.

I'm baaaaaackkkk, with an update!!!

My last post was quite a while ago... on purpose. Sorta. You see, S and I are going through the most stressful and exciting year of our lives. I knew I wanted to blog about this journey but there were so many different variables that could make it all go wrong that I got scared and hid in a cave for many many months. Sorta. 

So a lot has happened since I started this little journal. Actually a lot of AMAZING things have happened in the past few months. In fact as of February, 2012, pretty great things. We will call this emotional year of our lives the year we signed up for boot camp. Adoption boot camp. 

So in case you have not figured it out yet... S and I are adopting a teeny tiny brand new baby. 

We call it boot camp because that is exactly how we took it. We decided we wanted to make the "approval" process the quickest most efficient thing we had ever done. We were done with all the paperwork, medical stuff, background checks and all the other necessary items in 3 weeks! 

Although some things happened in between there was something miraculous about the journey so far. Every single important step in this adoption journey happened on an important day for our family. Here's our little timeline: 

February 22, 2012 (S.'s birthday)  - We submitted our initial application 

March 5, 2012 (My dad's birthday)  - We had our 3 hour interview at the agency 

April 16, 2012- (My mom's birthday)  We had our Home Study with the greatest, bestest, most fabulous worker in the world (Dr. Terilee Wunderman). I wrote her name down so I would not forget... even though I never ever will forget that wonderful, kind and super knowledgeable woman!

May 9, 2012 - (the anniversary of my grandmother's death) We found out we have a MATCH!!! This one got to me because this is usually a sad day... somehow someway the big guy upstairs decided to bring some sweetness into this usually grey day. 

And here we are... 

WE HAVE A MATCH. Crazy right? 

We are fully aware that in the adoption world a match does not mean a successful parenting outcome but we have faith and we are entering into this match with our hearts open. If it all goes through according to God's plan we should have a bundle of joy in our arms in just a few short months. 

So now that I got all of that out, I can blog with my heart wide open. 

I know it's not going to be an easy journey but I do know that in the end it will be our happy.lovely.journey. 

J. 

Random post, but at least you get to know me!

1.             My real name is Jen.

2.             I absolutely love being married.

3.             My husband is my best friend.

4.             I want to be a mom more than anything in this world.

5.             If we could afford it I would love to be a stay at home wife/mom.

6.             My dogs are my fur babies. I hope I never change when it comes to them.

7.             I love my job but I would leave it in a heartbeat if the opportunity were to present itself.

8.             My parents are my absolute life.

9.             I refuse to move out of the city because I could not bear to be away from my folks.

10.         If my parents moved with me I would leave the city I live in instantly.

11.         Some people save for a new car, I put money away in order to buy one of those fancy strollers when my time comes around to be a mommy.

12.         My favorite color is red.

13.         Most people think my favorite color is pink, I really love pink but love red just a little bit more.

14.         Elephants are my favorite animals.

15.         My husband drives a mustang. I wish he drove a pick up truck or an SUV.

16.         I believe little boys should be allowed play with dolls.

17.         I believe little girls should be allowed to play with tractors and hot wheels.

18.         I am a hypochondriac.

19.         I am attached to my iphone and do most things from it.

20.         I love food but I am a picky eater.

21.         Desserts are my life, and I fear Diabetes.

22.         My nickname for my hubby is mostly Bug. He’s my lovebug.

23.         I can count my true friends with the fingers of my hand. I am ok with that.

24.         I am a procrastinator.

25.         I am afraid of a lot of things.

26.         I don’t mind getting older. I celebrate the fact that I got to live an extra year!

27.         I am very spiritual. I am eclectic when it comes to my beliefs and sometimes I borrow from different walks of life.

28.         I tend to walk-away with your pen. I don’t mean too… it just happens.

29.         I love pens.

30.         High school was NOT the happiest time in my life.

31.         I actually hate being an only child.

32.         I don’t know how to ride a bike.

33.         I don’t know how to roller skate.

34.         I have absolutely no balance.

35.         I love to dance… but I have no rhythm.

36.         I don’t have a middle name, but I wish I did.

37.         Jewelry and accessories are my life.

38.         I own too many purses.

39.         I use my FOOD pantry as a purse storage. Always have.

40.         I hate to drive, my job is to drive in the community. Catch 22.

41.         I am a friendly person but sometimes come off as overly hyper and a bit annoying.

42.         I could have cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

43.         I am afraid of birds. ALL animals with beaks actually.

44.         I am addicted to diet coke.

45.         I have two drawers full of makeup and I barely use it.

Ok so this is totally random but I figured it would be cool to share a few things about me. I'm a bit weird. Please don't judge me for what I've shared. LOL 

Have a great night! 

Mrs. Pink 

The puppies!

Hi cuties!
I'm testing out the "blog by email thing-o-magig" hopefully it works!
Here's a picture of my cute puppies for your viewing pleasure!
Xoxo!

The State of our Union.

Hi Y'all,

Clearly I have not been blogging. No matter how much I swear I am going to blog it just somehow does not happen. I have to say that I do have a reason for not blogging though.

The hubs and I have been going through a deeply personal stage in our lives and honestly we have been wanting to keep our lives a bit private until what we want comes through.

We are learning that sometimes you cannot control things.

Sometimes work doesn't go the way you plan it and you have to work a lot. Sometimes finances are not in tip-top shape and you have to squeeze every little penny. Sometimes fun activities are not that fun when you have something on the back of your mind. But we are learning that we cannot control things. We are learning that no matter how much we want something to happen it is really all God's plan.

So what are we going to do about this thing we cannot control? We are going to continue to proactively do everything in our power to make it happen. We will be focused and motivated and excited and hopeful... BUT we will also be calm and collected. What we are going through is a test to our relationship as well as a test to who we are as people, and so far we are passing with flying colors.

What this difficult "stage" in our lives is teaching me is that I am part of a union that is so strong that not even the largest of relationship-quakes can shake us up. I am learning that I married the RIGHT man for me. I am learning that without my husband I would not be strong. I am learning that I am eternally grateful to God for having him in my life. My husband has become my miracle and after 8 years of knowing him I cannot fathom existing without him.

Today I blogged because I am Thankful for my life and the people in it and I thought my four readers should know.

Thank you if you are still reading. :)

Gratefully yours,

Mrs. Pink.