Happy Fourth of July 2014 America!

What a wonderful day we had! We joined our friends Steph and Curtis and their littles ones for a fabulous festive day. 

For the second year in a row we went to the parade. This year was really cool with a fire truck, police cars, horses and a bunch of decorated bikes, 4-wheelers and bikes! 

Here's my outfit for the day...

Fashion Info: 

My top is American rag 

Headband is from icing 

Sunglasses are Burberry 

Lipstick is Mac Ruby woo (I think that's the name!)

Shorts are Charlotte rousse 

Shoes are sketchers go walks (the closest to sneakers I will wear!) 

Bag is Just Fab 

Watch is Marc Jacobs 

Of course my cute boys were adorable too! 

On Liam 

A personalized Liam shirt from Etsy 

America shorts from Kohls 

American Flag Toms (found them at Journey kids!)

Paul Frank Hat 

On Shane 

Peace, Love, World "I am peace" baseball cap

American Rag shirt from Macys 

Cargo shorts from Target

Adidas shoes 

Rose gold watch from Target 

These are the days that make for the most awesome memories! 

Until next time! 

Jen 

Fashion Diaries 2!

I've been having way too much fun with this fashion thing... 

Details... Black with a pop of neon. 

This necklace needs no introduction! Such beauty! 

I wore all black this past Tuesday. It was a total accessories day. 

I've been looking for neon heels for ever. Look how bright these are! The lighting is horrible because it's an iPhone picture... But I can't get over how much they POP! 

Is it possible to fall in love with a pair of shoes? Lol 

Then of course there's the arm candy. Cartier for the win. What's even better? Having a dad that loves watched as much as you do and who has built quite the collection throughout the years. Yay for not having any siblings to fight over his collection with! 

(No full body picture. I work alone most of the time). 

Until next time! 

Jen :) 

Fashion Diaries 1

Hiya!

I'm thinking of starting a few fashion related blogs. I have recently lost some weight and have really really been enjoying dressing up! Sometimes life is super busy, but I always have a second to post a few pictures up. I figure in 50 years I'll enjoy looking at these fun pictures... And that's what this blog is all about... Memories! 

So without further ado... 

Here's the first outfit! 

This outfit was super exciting to put together. I had not been able to wear that shirt since my high school years. I am not quite at my high school weight but with a cami underneath I was able to make it work! 

Pants are Charlotte rousse 

Headband is icing

Sandals are wet seal 

Cute baby is ALL MINE! 

Until next time! 

Jen :) 

Disappointments make you come home.

Blogging is home to me. 

In my happy times time flies and I forget it is here. In my sad times I run to it and have cathartic dumps of words. And that is why I am here dear friends. 

Shane and I were matched. If you don't know adoption terminology it means that our agency thought we would be a good match for a birth mom. Sounds great right? Not when the match does not work out. Then that match turns into what I like to call an adoption miscarriage. We didn't quite have an actual adoption miscarriage. In fact, we didn't even get to meet the kids. Yes. Kids. Plural. Let me start from the beginning. 

I was at Kohl's the other day when my phone starting blasting Lady Gaga's "the edge of glory." Its our adoption song. It's the ringtone to our agency and everything related to our babies adoptions. My heart skipped a beat. I knew that ringtone but it had not rang in so long. I answered. Fast. Sure enough. It was what I thought it could be. A match. Well. A possible match. 

Agency person called to tell us about a very special situation. Two siblings. 2.5 girl and 4.5 boy. For the sake of their privacy that's all I can say. He thought that because of our open mentality and current parenting views we would want to meet them. The mom in me wanted to say yes. The social worker as well. The heartbroken paper-pregnant woman who is seeking to have her family complete was desperate to say yes. 

So I said, can you send me a picture and I'll call you back. And I hung up. And cried. And then texted S because I didn't have the courage to call him. And he said no. That's his story. And I respect his privacy. We agree it's a no. A big no. There's birth order and emotional attachment and L's well-being and his world being turned upside down and finances and our families and I know this is a big long run-on sentence. There's many reasons why not. In fact there doesn't have to be any reasons. If a match doesn't match then its a no go. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell. 

I want my second child. I want to be able to breathe a sigh of thankful relief that my arms are filled by the two most important people in my life. But I sit here with one baby sleeping quietly in his room.  A little boy with dirty fingernails and sticky hair even after bath time. And I know that I am blessed. I know I need to be thankful. Yet I am broken. 

L is my world. If I don't ever parent anyone else again I will die happy because I got to parent but everyday I mourn the fact that I do not have any control as to HOW my family is formed. I have no control over the agency showing our profile to a birth mom. I have no control over wether she chooses us or not. I know we chose adoption as the means to create our family and I know the wait is long and I know its worth it. But tonight I came home to this blog because I don't understand any of that. I want Liam to meet Mila. I want them to be close in age. I want him to have what I didn't have. A companion, a partner in crime, a best friend. 

Tonight I don't understand and this blog doesn't judge me. This blog doesn't jump to conclusions or assume anything. It just listens. 

I am terrified that this is going to put a negative checkmark next to our name at the agency. We will be those people who didn't say yes to those wonderful kids. And I know those are irrational fears. I'm a social worker for God's sake. Irrational and highly unethical. But tonight I don't understand. Tonight I am broken. So I came home. 

Thank you for reading this because by doing so you are supporting me. And if I've been an asshole now you know why. 

Jen 

Ps.. I am highly embarrassed about the lack of grammar, punctuation and sense of this post. But tonight I just don't understand. 

Date Nights

Hiya!

So a couple of weeks ago my parents randomly got out of work super early (they work at a resort and have horrible hours). I took the opportunity to ask them if they would mind watching our little guy while we got away for dinner. My parents faithfully agreed and we went to diner at one of our favorite places Texas de Brazil.

What you don't know because I fell out of the blogosphere is that I have lost 50 pounds. Well with weightless apparently comes stomach shrinkage. The food was delicious but I was full in 2.5 seconds. The night was a success though. It was so great to have a night out where we got to dress up and just be with one another.

After what seems like a never ending "season" of holidays it was fabulous to be in the quiet with the one person that completes me. The holidays for us were awesome, they were filled with get-togethers, family reunions and parties and while all of that is great it leaves everyone kinda tired. January is usually a quiet month in our household. And boy was that date night totally needed.

I wish we had a way to make those date nights more often. Unfortunately we don't really have that possibility. Shane's parents are exhausted from their demanding work or unable to lift a 30 pound toddler and my parents work crazy crazy hours. I guess for now we just have to make the most of the random dates that we DO get.

Those special nights just put into perspective how wonderful our beautiful life really is. Yes, we are busy raising the most perfect toddler in the universe but we also have each other. Yes we have super busy demanding work schedules but we still have each other. Yes, many times our social calendar will call for activities for us to do as a family but we will always have those random, beautiful, awesome and absolutely fabulous date nights with each other.

Until next time,
Jen

The Time my External Drive went into a Comma.

Dear friends,

Today is a sad sad day. I sit here anxiously waiting to hear from my dad's IT guy to tell me that he saved my external drive with almost 10 years worth of pictures. You see... some time last week we decided that it was time to look for a specific picture or something. I don't even know how or what led me to the drive but when plugged it in... it was unrecognizable... and then I wanted to cry. I didn't... but I wanted to.

The thing about that drive is the amount of memories it has in it. Our entire dating relationship. Our wedding. Our newlywed life, the dogs, the apartment, the townhouse and of course our son. Although we have many many pictures printed and saved online of important moments of our life there were many times when we just "dumped" pictures onto "the drive" and thought "Oh life is busy, will upload another time, blah blah blah." And then life happened, we got busy and of course the drive decides to go into a comma. And now its in computer ICU.

I know praying for a computer part is probably silly but that computer part holds so many beautiful memories so near and dear to my heart that I can't help but pray that God enlightens the IT guy and that he finds a way to revive my little device. I have learned my lesson and I will focus on what matters most this year. I will focus on taking pictures and developing them (this statement dates me). I will focus less on my phone and social media and more on organizing and simplifying my life. I will also focus on taking pictures with my mind and living these memories so that I can stop relying on technology and just close my eyes and relive the fabulous moments. I know, it sounds a bit ridiculous considering I am writing this on a digital device and will post it on the world wide web but it makes sense to me. Sometimes unplugging is not all that bad.

And with that I am off to say my bedtime prayers... I will pray for the usual things I pray for, I will be thankful for the abundance of blessings in my life, but I will also ask God to save my little external hard drive.

Until next time,
Jen

I keep saying I am back... but this time I really do want to come back!

Hiya!

Remember me? It's been almost a year since I've blogged. What a year it has been. A wonderful year. A difficult year. A fabulous year. Like everyone's 2013, mine had ups and downs. The blessings were so much bigger than the bumps. I have so much to write about that I don't know where to start.

It's been so long I didn't even remember how to log in to the blog. I didn't know which URL to type to get here. So I came to the blog as a guest, and thankfully found the sign in on the upper right hand corner. I guess that's what being a mommy does to you. Mommy brain. Or maybe it's the fact that this year I turn 30. Let's just say it's the mommy brain... I haven't accepted the other "thing" just yet.

So there's not going to be much updating on this particular post. I am toying with the idea of remodeling "sweetpinkruffles." I know I have talked about the tittle in the past and how it is very dear to me... but at the same time I feel as if I am outgrowing it. Is my world full of balls, toy trucks and all shades of blue and red changing my love of pink? Is it the dreaded 30? Who knows... but I feel that my identity is so much more than a color.

I do have to say that my identity has changed in the past 19 months. Liam has defined me. He has completed me in a way that I never ever thought possible. My world revolves around that little man and his love for balls, trucks and trains. I could spend countless hours behind my camera trying to capture his every breath. I could spend every waking moment pretending to eat the plastic food he makes in his play kitchen. I could spend every breath on walking around our house, hand in hand with him as he loves to do.

I haven't lost who I am. I haven't lost the spunky pink princess I use to be. I am still her, but I am so much more now. I carry MAC's Russian Red in my bag, right next to Liam's Binkie. I have developed into someone I like so much and I feel that this blog should show you that. Yes, you, all 2 of you. My very very very few readers. I am so grateful for you. I haven't been here in almost a year and yet you still swing by every once in a while to see if I have posted anything. I don't make a single penny off of this blog (apparently you need millions of followers to make a penny) yet the gratification of knowing that someone out there reads what's on my mind is so fulfilling.

No idea what will come of this blog. I may change the tittle, I may change the address, but then again I may not. I may change the privacy settings so that only those of you who have read in the past can continue to read because I plan to share a lot more of my life. I want to add pictures and color to this blog. I want to add the smiles of the amazing human beings that are in my life and in order to do that I have to protect their privacy.

What I do know for sure is that I am craving "letting it all out." I have so much to tell you, imaginary friends. I have so much to say... and who knows maybe no one out there cares to read it... or maybe only a handful of you guys care... but I want to have this tiny piece of legacy. I printed my previous blog and made it into a book and honestly it was THE BEST thing I could have ever done. Sooooo many memories, so many wonderful wonderful vignettes of my life are on that book. I don't want time to continue to pass without me recording these amazing moments.

At the end of my life I want to have volumes of "books." I want to have as many blog posts as possible reminding me of all of the truly phenomenal and breath-taking moments of my life. Some moments are so fabulous that they take your breath away and those are the best to read... but other moments leave you breathless... those are more difficult moments, but in the end when you look back, those moments made you stronger and they are just as valuable as the happy ones.

My goal for this year is to document what is going on in my current life, but at the same time I want to reminisce about 2013 because it was a life changing year for my beautiful family. I plan to edit less and "pour my heart" out more. I plan to not worry about quality and for once worry about quantity... because I want MORE posts, more memories documented. This blog is for me. For Shane. For Liam. For my family and for 90 year old Jen... who knows maybe if I have a ton of "volumes" of my blog I won't be causing such an uproar at the nursing home! (Wink Wink).

If you've been there for the ride, I am so very sorry I took a hiatus. If you are new, welcome to my crazy wonderful oh-so-fabulous life.

I am Jen. I am a mama to Liam. I am Shane's Bestest Friend. I love Pink, Purses and I say Fabulous way too often. I may also have a shopping problem... but that's not something we like to talk about.

I hope from the bottom of my heart that I can carve out a few seconds every once in a while to write a bit. For the sake of the residents of my future nursing home.

Until next time,

Jen

11 months!

How is my baby 11 months old? I can close my eyes and smell his newborn smell. I can picture his little 4 pound body, his long hands, his reddish hair. They say time flies with a baby but before having L I thought that was just something people use to say. Gosh they were sooooo right, time does fly.
The past 11 months have been the happiest months of my life. I know everyone says that too but they really have been. L is such a good baby. Thankfully he has been a healthy baby to. Yes, we've dealt with specialists, physical therapy, the flu, an ear infection and teething but that is nothing compared to the amounts of smiles we've had. Being a parent is the best decision we have made.
L is becoming a little man. His personality really shines through. He is all smiles all the time. He still loves to sleep in 'til noon. He is down to one nap a day (obviously since he sleeps in so much). He said Papa on Valentine's day and has attempted to say mama a few times. I was "Nene" for a bit but now he calls me something that sounds like "mum".
Liam started crawling officially today (4-25-2013) even though he has been trying for a while. I thought his scooting was crawling but today I really saw what it is to see your baby crawl! I have to say I got emotional!
Two days ago we decided to bring the pack n' play back out and we put him in it and lo and behold he started pulling up to stand. We saw him try on the crib and he kept bonking his head. I feel like if we would have brought out the pack n' play sooner he would have started pulling up sooner. I gotta say though, in two days he has perfected the sit to stand position. Now, he even bends down to pick up toys and hands them to us. Obviously we still have to work with him to make sure he does it well and doesn't get used to getting up all twisted but still, the fact that my little baby that use to be 4 pounds and was born at 33 weeks can do all that is amazing.
We bought a big ol' rug today to let L crawl. Our new house is big and comfy and although it is not dangerous it does have tile and can be slippery so we are trying to make it comfortable for our little guy. Hopefully he loves it!
I guess that's all the updates I have so far. I can't believe we are already planning L's big birthday bash. Our theme is "Big top Circus & Carnival too."
I can't wait for the rest of my life.

Until next time!
With Love,
Jen

Weekend Recap March 1-3

Good afternoon!

This weekend was full of exciting things. Friday night we went to dinner with Judy and Richie and Chloe and Noah. It was a simple dinner but hanging out with them is always super fun. After that, we walked around Kohl's for hours... and if you know me... you know that I looooooove shopping so I really enjoyed that. I got a super dainty sideways cross little necklace and Shane got some really awesome Polo watches. At first we thought the watches were going to be just fashion watches because of the price but they turned out to be super sturdy and good quality so that was a bonus.

Saturday was pretty great too. My job started a Wellness Program and we have a special 90 day weight loss contest. Each participant pays 10 dollars and the money goes into a bucket that is collected by the person who has lost the most amount of weight. I am part of the fun committee so it was my job to help them set it all up. Anyway, the only sad part about the event is that I volunteered to take the scale and it was left behind. So now I don't have a scale and I want to cry.

After the work thing I came home to the sweetest gift from my hubby. He had set up a massage for this hotmess mama. Oh did it feel so so good. It was a weird massage, not in a bad way, but definitely not like every other massage I've had. It wasn't super strong pressure and it didn't hurt at the moment, however the next day my skin was sore. It was the weirdest thing on earth. The rest of Saturday we just hung out at home, unboxed some things from the move and then chilled out together as a family. It turned out to be a pretty great, unexpected day.

On Sunday we celebrated grandpa's birthday (my dad). We went shopping for cute outfits for grandpa and somehow we all ended up getting stuff. My dad is a generous guy. We had lunch at Charley's in the food court and dinner from the publix deli. We are fancy around here. LOL.

Overall it was a great weekend. I know that for my 3 readers a weekend recap is not much of a blog, but at the end of the year when I print my blog into a book I am really going to enjoy looking back at my weekends.

Ok for now I have to go, my little boss is asking for attention.

Talk to you soon friends.

Jen

Daddies and Birthdays!

L's sweet daddy turns 34 today. What a great number. You want to know why it's a great number? Because 33 was amazing. The most important age in Jesus' life was also the most important age in my dear husband's life. The significance of God's presence in our life was so amazing. God gave us our son in a way that we never thought would be possible. Not only did he bless us with the light of our eyes, but we started the paperwork on my husband's birthday last year. February 22 will no longer just be my husband's birthday, it will be a day I put my husband up on a pedestal for giving the gift of eternal love.

My husband is the kindest human being you will ever meet. Gosh if you ever get lucky enough to meet him he will leave a footprint in your heart. He is kind, generous and has a gigantic heart. Shane is a people person, he will take the shirt off his back for a stranger. Imagine the things he does for those he loves.

I am lucky to be growing old with him. Although, of course, I see him as a lover, he is way more than that. He is my best friend, my confidante, the light of my eyes. Shane is the person I run to when I am sad, happy, anxious, scared. He always knows how to calm me down, he knows to tell me things will be alright... and somehow they always are.

Shane has the ability to look beyond whatever is going on right now and make things better. Even on days when we have found ourselves with $87 to our name and a million bills to pay and formula to buy, he has stood there and with his feet firmly planted on the ground and his faith in God he has told me that it WILL be ok... and then it IS OK. How he does it, I don't know. I don't want to know. I have him to save me, and that's all that matters.

My husband is the rock of my little family. Even though my personality is stronger and I tend to be more of a "tough" girl, he is gentle and caring. He is the manliest man I have ever met, yet the sweetest. He is not afraid to show emotion and tell us that he loves us. He will hold my hand and kiss me on a stage full of a million spectators. He will offer to change his son's diapers and gets upset when the men's bathroom doesn't have a changing pad. He loves to cook and do household chores and he would love to be a stay at home dad.

My AMAZING SUPER HUSBAND is one of a kind and I am the luckiest woman in the world for having him in my life.

And now I have to go, because he'll be home any second and I have to dedicate the rest of the weekend to show him how lucky I am because I am his wife.

Talk to you soon!

Jen

A little blog crazy?

Ok so clearly I've gone crazy. I don't think I have ever blogged three times in one day. Obviously the fact that L is taking a super long nap totally is helping. However it's funny that I am inspired to write. I miss that about myself. I loooooove writing. I love spilling my beans, I love sharing. I think it has to do with the fact that I am an only child and always crave having someone to socialize with.

I have to say though that I haven't lost that inspiration to write. I just haven't really had the time. My writing consists of updating a baby book or a facebook status about what my cutie is doing today. I've been so busy pouring all my love over baby L that I don't have time for anything else. No, really, I have no time. The last pedicure I got was over 9 months ago. (Don't fret, I do at home ones in the middle of the night... my feet don't look like those of a zombie).

I recently printed my previous blog into a book and received it in the mail. Flipping through that book made me realize that I really enjoy documenting our memories. That book is full of wonderful memories of the first few years of my marriage. I can't wait to print many more books with many more memories.

Ok so now I'm going to do a recollection of what I've been really enjoying lately so that when I am flipping through that book in the future I can remember how wonderful my life is/was. :-)

- I have discovered youtube videos. Oh my goodness my eyes are glued to these videos. It's crazy how interesting they all are. People are doing reality shows on there. Makes me want to start videotaping myself. If only I was good at editing. Anyone know of any good editing softwares? Easy ones please!

- I love shopping for baby boy clothes. I thought I would always be drawn to girlie clothes but there are so many possibilities for baby clothes. You can make them intellectual-looking, rugged, sporty, classical. And then you add an adorable hat and your heart melts.

- I still love shopping for myself. There isn't a baby store or a baby department that I don't enter... However... I still enjoy finding great makeup or accessories. Mama still needs to be styling.

- I miss the movies. I use to hate going to the movies. I think part of it is because I have ADHD and I don't like to sit in one room longer that I have to. I don't like being confined and unable to pause and go do something else. However I miss our dinner and a movie dates. The hubby and I use to love our routine of going out on dates. These days those dinner dates still happen but there are sippy cups and quite a few diapers changes involved.

- I've been enjoying spending more time at home.

- I've been enjoying decorating our new home (I have to blog about our move! We don't live in the tiny townhome anymore!).

Ok my tiny boss is calling. Gots to go.

Have a great day webbie friends!

Jen

Baby Fashion

Baby Fashion is going to make this mommy broke...

Almost 9 months old.

Dear Baby,

How does that happen?

In what seems like just yesterday we were looking into your eyes and falling so deeply in love with you that we couldn't contain our tears. Then a month passed and we couldn't get understand how we got so lucky in finding you. When you turned two months we were so smitten by you that we didn't want others to hold you. We were your parents from before you were born. We wanted you since before we knew we wanted you.

At three months you started smiling and had the cutest personality ever. At 4 months you started doing things that mimicked your dad's silly faces or mommy's cuddling. At 5 months you started to want to sit and crawl and we started noticing how independent you were going to be. At 6 months you were a giggle monster and while you learned how to giggle prior to that it was really when your social personality started to emerge. At 7 months you began to look like a big boy and I could close my eyes and picture what you would look like as a toddler.

Then all of the sudden you turned 8 months old. On Valentine's day you said your first word... of course it was papa for your daddy. You love him so much. You and him are best friends. Don't get me wrong you do love your mama. You look at me like I am the center of your universe, but daddy is your best friend, your partner in crime. You guys do naughty things together like fly up in the air as if you were superman. You guys play the tickling game and stay up way too late. I can only imagine the kinds of trouble you two will get into in the very near future.

You are about to turn 9 months old and I can't figure out where the time went. I miss the tiny baby that use to just sit there and coo but at the same time I can't wait to see the toddler you become, the little boy, the big boy, the rebellious teenager and the gentleman that so many ladies will swoon over.

I can't wait to see what life has in store for our beautiful family of three.

We are the three amigos. The three musketeers. Your daddy and I are so in love with you, our sunshine.

Thank you for blessing us with your smile every single day of our lives.

With all my love,

Your mama.

Where did the last 5 months go?

Hello dear friends, 

In the blink of an eye 5 months have passed since my last update. Oh and what a great 5 months they have been! 

You must be wondering what I've been doing...

Mostly cuddling with this guy. 

And taking tons of pictures of all the little details... 

* I've also been singing all kinds of silly songs and a whole lot of "You are my sunshine."

* I've been tasting all sorts of interesting veggie jars of baby food and some surprisingly good fruit ones. 

* I've been going on adventures to mommy and me class (Oh, How I miss those... little guy has his first ear infection) and walks at the park. 

* I've been reading up all about being the best mommy I can be. 

* But mostly I've just been cuddling with the sweetest little guy in the world. 

Until next time, 

J. 

The Hospital Days.

The days that Sweet Baby L spent in the hospital were the most bittersweet days of our lives. We knew he was our SON. We were so happy to go visit him and cover him in kisses but at the same time we were so eager to bring him home. Every time we went to the hospital we went with the hopes that he would be coming home... and each time we were disappointed.

Baby L was in the hospital from the day he was born (obviously 05-25-2012) until Monday June 11th, 2012. Our little man was born a preemie, just a few weeks earlier than what is considered full-term so in order to be cautious the doctors at NorthShore Hospital decided that it was best for him to put on weight and regulate his temperature before he would be allowed to come home.

As you read on my previous post we met baby L on June 6, so those 5 days were totally stressful for us. Not only were we new parents but we were not able to fully enjoy our new bundle of joy because he was being kept at the NICU. I must clarify for when Baby L reads this in the future that there was absolutely no danger to his life. The doctors just wanted to make sure he put on the appropriate weight necessary to maintain his temperature above 98 degrees.

At first the doctors told us that we would be able to take our sweet angel home on friday june 8th and we were so excited and prepared everything for his arrival at home. Baby L drank his milk like a champion and even worked hard and staying warm enough by not breaking out of his swaddle (he hated being swaddled!). But unfortunately when friday came along, a nurse reported that L's temperature had dipped to under 98 so they decided he was not allowed to come home.

At that point we got really sad. We are both in the medical field and we know how Hospitals work. We know that they are staffed differently on the weekend and we knew that the doctors that were going to be there were not familiar with L's story. We lost hope that he could come home. To our surprise the weekend staff was phenomenal. We were so blessed. They decided they were not going to let little L out just yet... but they allowed us to SPEND THE NIGHT as a family!!! So, on Saturday June 9th, 2012 we checked in to the maternity floor and we got a room. They wheeled baby L into our room and we got to spend the night together. We fed him, bathed him, cuddled him. We sang as a family. We took pictures and videos. We could have stayed there forever. In fact, we would have moved in had they allowed us too!

During our overnight stay we heard a rumor that after caring for L an entire night they would let us go home. We had taken our baby CPR classes, we had taken care of our son all night. Once again we got our hopes up... and once again we were shot down. Let me explain how things went down. After spending the night they came in at 6 am and took baby L for routine nurse shift changes. At that point they asked us to leave to get some rest while they got caught up with paperwork and doctor rounds. We didn't want to leave but figured we could shower and get ready for coming home. At about 8 am we went back to the hospital to make sure we did not miss the DR rounds. We wanted answers as to when baby L was coming home. Sure enough we made it on time to speak with the doctor in charge. She stated that she had given orders for baby L to stay one more night because he had a significant drop in temperature over night. At this point we wanted to just grab baby L and run home with him.

But we didn't. Instead, we calmly explained to the doctor (who had not treated L before) what the situation was. We told her (even though it was part of his medical records, which she SHOULD have read!) that baby L was maintaining steady between 97.5 and 98.5. We told her that his treating doctor was happy with that. We told her that we had done the night trial as our last step before getting discharged. At that point she stated that she had no idea we had spent the night. She admitted the temp drop was environmental (the room we were in was COLD!). And then she told us... "sorry but I already wrote out the orders... he has to stay." And then I cried. And cried. And cried.

We stayed with baby L the rest of the day, only leaving to buy the necessary things like food. Monday morning I had absolutely no hope. I figured it would be another week of the "same stuff". S on the other hand was hopeful. He kept telling me that God had a plan. Little did we know that God's plan was to send that baby home. THAT MONDAY! On the day we least expected. On the day where we didn't push the doctors. On the day we had accepted our resignation that we had to go with God's plan... That's the day we got to bring home our son.

It's amazing how things happen. It's amazing how you have to trust God's timing. We kept wanting for things to happen our way... we kept trying to convince doctors that we were ready to become a family. We kept trying to manipulate the situation to achieve the results WE wanted... all while forgetting that these life-changing decisions are not in our humble human hands. The day we let go and let God was the day we got to bring our gorgeous son home.

Today, August 6, 2012, exactly two months after we met our son, I sit here as he naps, listening to his breathing and Thanking God for his health and the happiness this child has brought into our lives. He came to us at a tiny 4 pounds 4 ounces. We brought him home at a whopping 4 pounds 13 ounces, and here next to me lies a big 9 pound 3 ounce baby boy who has mastered the art of smiling and tummy time. A baby boy who brings a smile to our face multiple times a day every single day of our lives.

So that's the recount of our hospital stay. It's not witty. It's not funny. It's just filled with details because I never ever want to forget our hospital days. Those hospital days made us a family and for that I am thankful.

With Love,

L's proud momma.

And then there were THREE!!!

Hi Dear Friends,

I know I said I would keep in touch, and I plan to... however life just got a WHOLE LOT BETTER! In our last few posts we talked about our recent heartbreak. Today we talk about how our lives were recently changed forever!

As you all know sometime in May we lost our first baby adoption. We experienced an adoption miscarriage, which is basically a match gone wrong. That broke our hearts and shook our spirits. S always remained hopeful, but I was so hurt that I stopped going to baby stores and looking at my dream items online. I focused on my everyday life because I was SURE that we were not going to be matched for at least 18 months... I wanted a baby NOW... not 18 months from now. I knew that first baby was not for us, but I wanted my baby to join our family already!!!

Then... on Tuesday June 5th, 2012 I went to work as usual... I was in my tuesday meeting when my phone rang. It was the adoption agency. I figured they were calling to check up on us. Either way I could not answer because I could not leave my meeting. But then... THEY CALLED S!!! He didn't answer either. He never ever answers his phone. The agency people were persistent (THANK GOD!) and they called S's office. Sure enough... they had a match for us!!!

Meg, the social worker that spoke to S told him that she had good news for him. And oh, boy, did she have good news! Not only had a birth mother picked us but the BABY WAS BORN!!! No waiting period. No anxiety! Nothing!

(I'm not going to go into details about any of that because that is the baby's story not mine. If you are interested in adoption and really honestly want to know how it works send me an email and I'll be glad to share what we feel comfortable with.)

The baby was OURS!!! So of course we wanted to meet him. Our sweet boy was born on May 25, 2012. We met him and became a family on June 6, 2012 when he was just 12 days old. He had been patiently waiting for us for 12 days! He never lost hope, he knew we were coming!

That beautiful Wednesday morning of June 6, 2012 we met our Son. He was bundled and perfect. He was a tiny 4 lbs 4 ounces but FULL of love. He was healthy and strong. He had been fighting for 12 days waiting for his mommy and daddy to come pick him up and that day he greeted us with a smile. (It could have been gas, but it could have been a smile!). The moment we laid eyes on him we fell in love. There was absolutely NO GOING BACK. We were a family of THREE!

That night we went back to the hospital and hung out with the little man some more. He was in the hospital for a MINOR reason... but his stay was long(ish) so I will blog about that experience after.

Wednesday night we got to give our son a bath. We bonded and fed him and put him to sleep. We were so smitten. That night we couldn't sleep. The following day was going to be the most important day of our lives.

On thursday June 7, 2012 we signed all the legal paper work to become L's parents! It was THE BEST legal paperwork we've ever had to sign. We left the agency feeling so good and so ready. We were now responsible for a human being! Our SON. We have a SON.

We've been home for some time now. We've gotten to know each other and we all fit like pieces to a puzzle. He is the perfect addition to our family. He is mellow and sweet and smart. He even looks like S which is just the sweetest thing.

We have been busy getting everything L needs! We had no idea he was coming this fast so we've had to hustle... and let me tell you its been the fastest funnest shopping experience of our lives. We have the essentials but we have everything HE needs.

You guys I can't tell you enough how happy I am. I cry every time I look at his face, hands, feet. His tummy is like a magnet for kisses and I get happy when I see poop in his diaper. The highlight of my day is making sure I get all the boogies out of his nose so that he can breathe better at night.

All the things I thought I would care about... the fancy stroller, the cute clothes, the amazing pinterest inspired nursery are pushed to the side. I ONLY want my son to be happy and healthy... and he is... so I am complete.

I'll be back soon with his "hospital stay" recount.

Much Love and THANK YOU for the support!

A very HAPPY MOMMA!!!

Snap out of it...

Last night I posted about our most recent heartbreak. Unfortunately, this is not our first heartbreak and it will most likely not be our last.

Ever since S and I decided it was time to start our family that has been my main focus. I bought the ovulation kits, I took my temperature, I went as far as doing a few rounds of a horrible fertility medication. Those were a few tough years for us. We knew we were not going to get as far as IVF because we knew that adoption was going to be in our life, whether we conceived biologically or not.

For the past 4 years I have seen my efforts as "focus", "dedication", "motivation". I made it a point to complete the adoption paperwork in 3 weeks. We finished our profile within 24 hours of being interviewed by our agency. Today... I realize that while I was focused and dedicated and motivated to become a mommy... I was also consumed by it.

So today is a new day. No more browsing the baby isles. No more talking about what my parenting style will be like. No more imagining little fingers and little toes. I KNOW we will be parents soon. I KNOW our dreams will come true... But I am going to let those dreams come to me rather than continue to pursue them!

I will focus the next few months on living the wonderful life I have now. I will soak in every waking moment next to my amazing husband. I will focus on getting healthier. I will study for my licensure. I will pursue a new hobby and I will fill my life with the things I use to love before I was sucked into the world of baby gear.

Today I am snapping out of it. I am snapping out of it so that I can become a better me... So that I can consequently be a better human being, better spouse and ultimately a better parent.

Thanks for reading.

A more hopeful J.

Heartbreak...

Something happened today that broke our hearts.

We lost our match.

In the adoption world this is the equivalent to a miscarriage. I know that saying that can trigger hurtful memories for some readers, but that is what it feels like to us.

We lost the dream of being parents to this little boy. We lost the idea of bringing home a tiny human being. We lost our due date. We lost our baby.

The adoption support groups we are part of say that this baby was "not meant for us" and although I agree and believe that, I am still hurting inside. I never thought I could mourn the loss of someone I have never met.

I'd like to clarify that both baby and expectant mom are healthy and doing well. Our agency was the one that decided to back off for our well-being.

So now, we sit and wait, again. Our first "wait" was so short but it felt like a year. I hope this time goes by quickly. I pray that our baby finds us... Soon.

I cried so much today. I felt weak and I felt like someone ripped my heart out, that's how I know I am ready to be a mom, because today's loss was unbearable.

S was great. He always is. He was supportive and had all the right things to say. He knows God has a bigger plan for us, he can see it, I can't... Not today... But then again... My eyes are a little foggy from all that crying. ;)

I was so glad I opened up and shared about our match on the blog. I almost didn't post. I almost disappeared again, but it feels good to share. This is our journey towards completing our family and I want our future child, wherever he/she is, to know that we are so ready to meet him/her... And we will take as many bumps in the road as necessary in order to get to that day.

Thanks for reading.

A very sad,

J.

Pink or Blue?

Adoptions are like a pregnancy in that they involve buying a ton of really ADORABLE BABY STUFF! That's about it. Everything else between adoptions and pregnancy is SUPER DUPER DIFFERENT!

This journey has been the most difficult adventure we have ever embarked on but it has also been the most rewarding.

One thing we have found funny though has been the questions that people ask. Not a lot of people know we are adopting however those that do always ask the same things. I think I'll make a whole other post about that... this post I want to focus on my favorite question.

"Are you adopting a boy or a girl?"

I like this question because it is genuine and it doesn't insult us in any way. Most people really want to know. I believe social media has a lot to do with that question. Celebrities bring spotlight to adoptions and many of them choose the gender of the child. That is not how our adoption is.

When we first decided that adoption was the best way to form our family we never really sat down and chose a gender. Yes, I do admit, that we each had our preference... however that preference was not any different than if we would have decided to have a biological family. We are sure that up until the gender revealing ultrasound we would have each had our hopes set on a girl or a boy. (Due to the fact that we want our child to read this blog in the future and truly experience the journey with us I will not disclose what S and I hoped for...)

Before we were matched we had a ton of fun looking at baby items. The "wait" to be matched can be excruciating. Ours was less than a month from homestudy to match but it felt like YEARS. We had the opportunity to voice to our social worker what our desire was... and she told us "I wish you the best in getting the gender that you want, but in the end when that child finds you, it will not matter whether it is a she or a he." Oh boy was the amazing-most-wonderful-social-worker-of-all-time SO RIGHT. When we got our match and I answered that phone call the last thing on my mind was gender preference. When I called S to let him know, not once did he ask me what the gender of the baby was. That day we became parents... of a baby... our baby.

Yes... the match could fail... that truth is constantly in the back of my mind. I'm the worrier of the family. S on the other hand truly believes that this baby is ours. He KNOWS this baby is coming home. I applaud his strength and courage and I hold on to it. I feel like a mom. I feel that this child is mine... IF the match does not go through I will mourn the loss of this child because from the moment I got that call I became a mother.

So I bet you are dying to know whether our little tiny human will be wearing PINK....

Or BLUE...

Well, friends, that is a question I am not quite ready to answer just yet... I want to keep the excitement alive. Yes, we do know WHAT we are having... but I want to keep it a secret. I say that I want to keep it a secret because S is dying to SCREAM IT through the rooftops... So... if you really want to know... I'm sure it won't take much to get it out of him! ;)

Until next time...


A very EXCITED matched mommy to be.

J.

I'm baaaaaackkkk, with an update!!!

My last post was quite a while ago... on purpose. Sorta. You see, S and I are going through the most stressful and exciting year of our lives. I knew I wanted to blog about this journey but there were so many different variables that could make it all go wrong that I got scared and hid in a cave for many many months. Sorta. 

So a lot has happened since I started this little journal. Actually a lot of AMAZING things have happened in the past few months. In fact as of February, 2012, pretty great things. We will call this emotional year of our lives the year we signed up for boot camp. Adoption boot camp. 

So in case you have not figured it out yet... S and I are adopting a teeny tiny brand new baby. 

We call it boot camp because that is exactly how we took it. We decided we wanted to make the "approval" process the quickest most efficient thing we had ever done. We were done with all the paperwork, medical stuff, background checks and all the other necessary items in 3 weeks! 

Although some things happened in between there was something miraculous about the journey so far. Every single important step in this adoption journey happened on an important day for our family. Here's our little timeline: 

February 22, 2012 (S.'s birthday)  - We submitted our initial application 

March 5, 2012 (My dad's birthday)  - We had our 3 hour interview at the agency 

April 16, 2012- (My mom's birthday)  We had our Home Study with the greatest, bestest, most fabulous worker in the world (Dr. Terilee Wunderman). I wrote her name down so I would not forget... even though I never ever will forget that wonderful, kind and super knowledgeable woman!

May 9, 2012 - (the anniversary of my grandmother's death) We found out we have a MATCH!!! This one got to me because this is usually a sad day... somehow someway the big guy upstairs decided to bring some sweetness into this usually grey day. 

And here we are... 

WE HAVE A MATCH. Crazy right? 

We are fully aware that in the adoption world a match does not mean a successful parenting outcome but we have faith and we are entering into this match with our hearts open. If it all goes through according to God's plan we should have a bundle of joy in our arms in just a few short months. 

So now that I got all of that out, I can blog with my heart wide open. 

I know it's not going to be an easy journey but I do know that in the end it will be our happy.lovely.journey. 

J.